celestialparanoia's avatar

celestialparanoia

in her eyes
129 Watchers106 Deviations
8.3K
Pageviews

i’m sorry.

i’m sorry to all of my beautiful friends that i’ve abandoned on here and i’m sorry to all of my watchers that i’ve let down during this infinitely long hiatus -- a hiatus not just from here but from life as a whole, really. there has not been one day during this entire year that i have not regretted my pulling away from such a loving and supportive community. people like you are seldom found anywhere else and it was truly a fatal mistake of mine to think i could heal better without staying here. i’ve been thinking about coming back for ages but every time i logged on and saw how the “where are you’s” and “i miss you’s” were piling up in my notes, i was so intimidated and daunted because i could not for the love of god figure out how i could possibly approach the task of trying to rekindle those friendships after i had so easily left them to rot and die. i didn’t know how to finally once again talk to the friends that were left to wonder whether or not i was even alive. i didn’t know if they would be angry, upset, or if they even remembered me. because of this growing feeling that it had become too late, coming back seemed more impossible as the days went on and the numbers on the feedback tab grew higher and higher. i struggle severely with communication to this day and a complication of that is an inability to maintain a constant presence. it’s led to the death of so many valuable relationships, even though i always try to fight the feeling of fear that comes on when i’m confronted with the act of having to hold onto the connections i have with people. it’s not that i don’t care about the ones i leave behind but the notion that i am a burden and the fatigue of having to communicate kicks in and that eventually leads to me slipping away without a trace, something that i have already taken a huge step against by coming back here and fighting my fear of putting myself out there.

in addition to this battle within myself myself, i just yesterday put an end to a two year abusive relationship which i think has partially given me this newfound sense of freedom to pull myself out of the rabbit hole. i hadn't been dating him for quite a while but i chose to get the police involved because i was continuously being stalked by him. i am also currently putting an end to a prescription addiction, which has given me enough clarity of mind to begin writing again, something that i have craved for ever since i walked away from you all. i am fighting and i am soon going to win.

thank you all for being the ones i could be brave enough to come back to

Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In

an apology

3 min read

hello everybody. i hope you’ve all been doing well. i am alive in case you were wondering! it feels great to finally log back onto dA after what feels like decades, but it’s also so difficult because i’m now seeing what i left behind for so long. so i figured i ought to apologise for my sudden disappearance from the face of the internet. for those of you who also have me on tumblr, instagram, etc. you may have noticed i’ve been extremely inactive on those accounts as well and i am very very sorry if your messages or comments have been left ignored. it wasn’t intentional in any way. i love you guys far too much to do that <33

but i guess i’ll make an attempt to explain myself here. i haven’t been myself for the longest time now, for reasons that i won’t burden you with. however, it’s recently gotten to the point where i’ve detached myself from my only release, something i thought i’d never set aside -- writing. my typewriter sits on the corner of my desk collecting dust. i haven’t touched it in months, nor do i have the motivation to. writing this message alone has proven to be a struggle for me. i find that i’m at a loss for words even during conversation these days. my own thoughts barely make sense to me; thus, i feel that channeling how i feel during this point in my life into poetry will only serve to disappoint both myself and my wonderful wonderful watchers, who i am very certain did not start watching me because of my record-breaking case of apathy towards doing the things i used to love.

all of this aside, i can say that i’m healing. i'm getting help for my addiction and other situations in my life and i feel that it's all slowly working. i came back to dA for a reason and that reason is because i am feeling better. this doesn’t mean that i’m going to immediately jump back into posting several poems a week and drawing and whatnot but it does mean that someday i will return to the point where i can function well enough on my own to be able to have some room in my mind to think creatively.

once again i'm truly sorry for leaving so many of my friends and inspirations on dA without warning. you people know who you are and i can never apologise enough because you are amazing people whose works have pulled me through the hardest of days. to my watchers, thank you for continuing to support me. i love you all so much and i promise to continue getting better for my friends.

xoxo Heart  

Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In

oh

1 min read
my
god

pansydiv has a simply beautiful voice :'))))
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In

xo

1 min read
hey all !! as you may or may not have noticed ive been INSANELY inactive lately and im so so so sorry for leaving everybodys notes n comments unanswered ahhhh  but im finally gonna get to clearing up my notif inbox after like five centuries so its all good xx

anyways i just wanted to say that i hope everybody had a very very happy holiday and a happy new year !! stay safe. i love you all XO Heart Heart Heart 
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Featured

i am alive and breathing by celestialparanoia, journal

an apology by celestialparanoia, journal

a cool lame music thing by celestialparanoia, journal

oh by celestialparanoia, journal

xo by celestialparanoia, journal